Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
