please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Randomize
