I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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