I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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