Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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