Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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