I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
