You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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