i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
