I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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