okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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