dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
