i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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