Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
