I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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