you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
