Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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