My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
it was like eating out sand paper
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Randomize
