Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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