3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
