Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
