its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
