After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
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You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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