Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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