i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
