she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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