I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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