Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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