grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
