GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
