Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
