Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
