I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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