So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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