No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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