I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
