A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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