if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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