My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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