Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
