Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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