I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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