nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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