And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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