I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
