My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
