The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
