I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
