I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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