I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
