he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
