im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
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he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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