Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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