My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
