so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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