proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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