Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
