I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
